|A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: "Send me a brother".
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother".
|> Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and
> discussing surgeries they had performed.
> One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert
pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months
later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
> One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and
legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
> The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a
train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
Subject: Youth ????
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants
July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How
July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree
July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I
July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow
July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now.
Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner
Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you
Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and
Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording.
Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot
Will write later to let you know how the trial goes."
Living in 2005
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends . You know you want to!